Hey, soā¦ I may be in this situation soon, and I may just be in over my head here, but Iām a sucker who really couldnāt say no to this.
This kid took care of his grandmother as she deteriorated and finally died. He was there when it happened. She had a degenerative disease and the kidās mom left him with her so she could ābabysitā him, when in reality, this kid was the only one looking after her. His parent is a working single mom, so itās really not her fault, but, likeā¦ damn.
The kid is 8 years old.
Kidās dad is just gone. Disappeared. Has been since he was tiny.
He sometimes is watched over by his aunt, but she & the nieces just literally ignore him. He says that he just sat quietly on the couch for days. They fed him and whatever, but that family has their own batshit fuckery going on. Not mentally stable, tbh. The aunt is very hostile and I think he is scared of her.
Heās one of my in-lawās kids (whom I donāt even know well), but, likeā¦ holy shit. He and his mom now live in the deceased grandmotherās house, but she now has no one to watch over him. He has been going to work with her and being told to sit quietly and do not much else. Theyāre now almost an hour away from his school, so he may lose that part of his stability, too.
Againā¦ heās 8. And holy shit, kid barely talks. Heās so well-behaved and meek, it actually alarms me greatly. He used to hang out with my brotherās kids, but my brother moved out of state. He came back this week and was asked to watch over the kid while he and his kids were in town. This is when Iāve most recently reconnected with the kid, but Iāve met him before when my brother was still in town.
I have room in my home. Iām a single parent, too, but Iām fortunate to work from home and have a kid whoās 12 who could hang out, play video games with him, take him to the park, and whatever. Iām close to his school. I donāt have much right now, but, likeā¦ fuck, I want to give this kid a good, loving space, stability, and get him into therapy, for fucks sake.
I donāt give a shit about what your opinion of the mom is. I met her like twice. I also donāt plan to adopt this kid or anything (unless it really comes to that but thatās not a thing right now since he obviously has a parent), but I just need advice on how I should navigate this.
Medical needs? Can I get him into therapy without trouble? Will I need the parentās permission? What should I ask her for? Iām not sure sheād be okay giving me his documents if this is temporary, but FUCK thereās a lot to do. I want to do something right for this kid.
Help? Please?
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Iād say the first option is to simply talk to the mother and offer your help and paint it as a means of helping her out. Keeping the focus on the benefit to the mother and the benefit to the kid as secondary to keep her focused on how it would help her. Sympathize with her situation, sheāll be more amenable and thatās definitely the easiest way to get a constructive dialog going.
If that fails, involving CPS is still available as a fallback option but.0
This is excellent advice, damn. Thank you! Helps to get a good, level-headed perspective when my brain feels like jelly over all this.
Solid. Thank you!
Yeah, I agree that the above is excellent advice. Engaging in a way that comes off as āyouāre a shit parent so Iām going to do it for youā isnāt likely to build conflict. Itās possible how the mother reacts regardless of what you say (due to insecurity about her parenting), but itās going to be much better if everyone is working together rather than against each other, so thatās the best place to start.
As others have said, simply providing a stable place to be around another child and adult will do leaps and bounds. But if possible I would work on helping him get into activities he can do on his own when he is dragged to momās work and told to sit quietly in a corner or sent to the disinterested auntābecause thatās bound to happen again.
Maybe try discovering if he likes reading and what sort of material? Childrenās paperbacks can be found inexpensively; library cards are free either for a physical library or digitally. If you find heās into reading, an on-sale Kindle could be an option that you regularly load up with Libby ebooks.
How about a small sketchbook and a few pencils if heās artistically minded? He doesnāt need a whole kit, just a few pieces for him to pass the time. If heās into games, perhaps teach him solitaire or get him a travel chess set. Maybe sports are more his things, then fantasy football or some such.
I think teaching and helping him develop some low-cost, unobtrusive coping mechanisms could really save his mental health in the long-term. Itās a bit grim having to suggest all these solitary activities for a child, but the reality is that he will find himself in these isolating situations again. Giving him the tools to develop interests and hobbies without his mother/auntās intervention will put him in a better psychological place as he ages and will provide naturally-occurring encounters with potential friends who share his interests.
Damn, that hurts to read that, but youāre right.
I have a bazillion books at my place (for every age groupā¦ do 8-year olds still like āMagic Tree Houseāā¦?), art supply, board games, cards, and those kinda things.
Iām sure heāll be happy to do literally anything, tbh. Poor kid seems to feel guilty for simply existing. Fuckinā hate to see it.
I loved Magic Tree House at his age! Thatās exactly what I was thinkingāMTH is wonderful for escapism. If you can get him onto something that exercises his mind, thatās the ideal, hence my drawing, reading, and chess suggestionsāanything he can sustain in isolation and when low on funds or access to shops.
Edit: magic tricks if heās dexterous!
Unfortunately his mother is still his guardian, so she may very well one day pick up and leave with him. In that situation, at least heāll have the skills to keep growing his interest(s) and entertain himself.
I am a lawyer. I am not your lawyer, and nothing contained within this comment can be used to create an attorney client relationship between us.
That being said, investigating getting a Guardianship through your county probate court. Should take care of all your needs.
Appreciate it. Thank you.
I just want to say thank you for caring. Youāre a good person.
Why donāt you offer to start by ābaby sittingā the child while the mother is at work. That might eventually extend to sleep overs.
I agree with the comment about medical care and therapy. Like it or not, sheās still his mother and would probably see any offer in this direction as meddling or judgemental and close the door completely.
Sheās basically desperate to get someone to watch this kid. Weāre just a few blocks away from his auntās house, too, so maybe that will help.
To be clear: Iām not asking her to hand over her kidā sheās willingly offering him up to people (she knows) who will take him. Since my brother vouched for me + he & his kids spent the most time watching the kid in the past, his recommendation of me might make me the best candidate here.
Iāll do my best not to meddle, thatās good to keep in mind! But I do want to at least push for therapy. Iāll pay for it myself, if it comes down to that, as long as she approves.
As Bobert said elsewhere in these comments, there is a massive mental health benefit to having any adult at all who provides the child with presence and emotional support.
To add to that, I have received treatment from numerous therapists. And I have seen siblings and friends receive treatment as well. From my experience ā and I might get some flak for this advice ā even though a good therapist is better than no therapist, a bad therapist can actually be harmful. Your little pal will easily get more out of a well-intentioned friend than he would get if he wound up placed with a mediocre therapist. Itās the unfortunate state of mental healthcare in this country.
Ten years from now, if heās eighteen and still in your life and starts asking for monetary assistance to pay for therapy? Great. Pay for his therapy. (Also make absolutely sure he keeps shopping around until he finds a therapist who really clicks with him. For the above reason, you know? The odds of him getting a great one on the first spin arenāt high.)
But until then: thereās a good chance heās missing very little. And a very good chance thereās nothing to feel bad about if you canāt get this little guy into therapy. There are more surefire ways of improving his outcome.
So, like the other commenters said: offer the mom help. You noted that sheās guaranteed to dump him on you for long stretches of time.
Also, offer to pay for his phone plan. (Like another commenter said, phrase all offers as a benefit to her.) If she agrees, put yourself in his contacts, let him know he can always call you, and try to make sure he knows the number ā988ā and never feels too shy to reach out to that number.
Contacting the equivilent of Child Protective Services in your country is a safe bet, but you should check your countryās laws regarding foster care if youāre planning to adopt the kid. I would reccommend you to consult a lawyer if thatās your plan.
The best thing you can actually do is be there for him right now. Be like a big brother or an uncle to him. I so admire you for caring. Take that capacity for empathy and caring and apply it to this child. Ask him what his interests are and help nurture them. I would be careful with getting involved in medical needs, therapy, etc. Those are dangerous and dicey waters to wade into and the only reason to get involved that deeply is if you believe this childās welfare is in immediate and imminent danger. If this is does become the case, please contact the proper responsible state agency. A situation like I just mentioned would open the door for you to become a foster parent. You are a good human being and to be commended!
Thanks, I may need to step back, but Iām just concerned about the amount of unintended neglect this kid may have gone through.
Unfortunately, I think therapy is a āmustā here, as the kid literally watched his closest and beloved caretaker slowly wither away and die right in front of him at 8 goddamn years oldā¦ while ultimately taking care of her on her deathbed.
I want to be sure his mental and emotional well-being is taken care of. Thatās legit trauma he wemt through. I had a traumatic experience as a young child and my parents never had it addressed itā Iām still kinda fucked up over it to this day. Itās a struggle if you are unable to talk about that shit and be able to process it in a healthy way. I want to be able to at least give this kid a chance to be helped by a professional. Iāll see if a state agency might be able to help out, too, but Iām unsure due to him being not really my kidā¦ couldnāt hurt to inquire, I guess.
But, yeah, bet your ass Iāll also be paying attention to & supporting the hell out of this kidās interests, in addition to therapy.
I appreciate the praise, but Iām just someone trying to do some good where I have the means. Thank you for your advice!
That is a lot for any person, let alone a child, to weather and I agree with your conclusion that the child most likely would benefit from therapy to lessen the potential trauma developing later in life. The praise for you is roundly deserved because the world we live in as a dog eat dog one. The only thing I cannot emphasize enough is that if you suspect physical, mental, or emotional abuse, absolutely get child protective services involved. I am a survivor of mental, psychological, and emotional abuse. My father was never prosecuted for it when he should have been. The scars were real and lasting. Only you know the situation of this child. Go with your instinct. If you have an instinctual feeling that this child is being abused in the aforementioned ways, itās time to get child protective services involved.
Just. Be. There.
Youāre a parent, so you know how this is going to work. By the seat of your pants. Medical and Psychiatric needs are beyond your control. I know you say that itās a need but itās simply not one you can provide other than it coming from you directly. Itās just not something you can unilaterally do. You can try and get in contact with counselors at their school, but thatās about it. So focus on what you can do and that is be there. Harvard released a study about 8 years ago that had the statement that every successful child had ONE invested, stable adult person in their life. Not parent, aunt, uncle, brother, sister, grandparent. Person.
It sounds to me like youāre pretty dedicated to being that person. So Iād say the best thing you can do now is to just be you, and donāt stress about the things beyond your control. If you can continue to just be willing to invest this much effort youāve shown already then youāll be the best thing going for this child.
Best to talk to someone from a local children society or a charity/organization that is familiar in this territory.
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To be clear: Iām not asking her to hand over her kidā sheās willingly offering him up to people (she knows) who will take him. Since my brother vouched for me + he & his kids spent the most time watching the kid in the past, his recommendation of me might make me the best candidate here.
Just to want to make sure this kid is getting his mental/emotional needs met. Heās just soā¦ everyone calls him āpolite and well-behavedā, and he is, but it doesnāt sit right with me. Makes me almost nervous around him? This was before I even knew his situation. Idk. Sorry, Iām so tired lol
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