One day I noticed he hadn’t moved in like, a while. I opened the cage and went to pick him up, and he was hard as a rock. RIP Teddy.

Eyes up, Guardian

I have a bad case of Resting Bitch Face and I got fired from my barista job at Starbucks for not smiling enough and because I apparently “always looked like I wasn’t enjoying myself” while at work.

My “default” settings face just looks serious, sorry, I can’t help it.

Not that I believe in dream interpretation, but: whatever

Yes! This happens to me too a few times a year and it’s terrifying. I dream I’m like spitting little pieces of my broken teeth out onto the ground, or that my teeth are very loose and if I touch them with my tongue it “unseats” them somehow and then I can’t close my mouth properly and I crunch down on the tooth that no longer fits right.

Polar seltzer. That’s sparkling water, is that ok?