Sombyr
Disabled, lesbian, trans, autistic. Have social anxiety so I don’t post much.
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I used to be like this, but with movies. When I first met my wife, she was utterly baffled at the concept of somebody not enjoying movies, and she made it her mission to make me enjoy them.
Come to think of it, she actually doesn’t like music much. I’ve failed to change her opinion on that though because my taste in music is shit (and I’m proud of it.)
I don’t do anything. I’m the kind to completely forget about it minutes after I close whatever I was looking at. If it’s a stupid enough thing that made me angry enough, sometimes I’ll vent about it to my wife, and usually get the response of “Why do you care what a random person online you’ll never meet thinks?” but I’ve gotten that response enough for it to have really sunk in to the point where I really don’t care 99% of the time. I don’t really debate online anymore either for that reason. The most I might do is nudge somebody in the right direction if I suspect their opinion is simply based on a lack of information, but if that fails I tend to just delete my reply and move on so I’m not bothered by it again.
The only times I ever want to go anywhere outside of where the busses can take me is when my family is taking me somewhere, in which case somebody else drives me there. The busses go quite a distance though. I can even get to small towns nobody’s ever heard of if I feel like it.
It’s not like I’m gonna be traveling a huge distance anyway. I live of off 900$ a month, so it’s not like I could afford to go anywhere else if I wanted to.
I mean, we could call gravity or the sun a god. It’s really a matter of perspective rather than concrete definition. I’ve discussed my ideas about the void with people, and there tends to be a pretty even split between people who believe it would be a god, and those who believe it wouldn’t count.
I don’t think it’s quite the same thing, unless I’ve been misunderstanding the concept of the big bang, which is entirely possible. I don’t think it describes the state of the universe before the singularity, nor how the singularity got there. This is more or less how I believe that happened. A mindless yet omnipotent force just happened to spawn it into existence.
I believe in a power above all else which gave rise to the universe. You could technically call it “God,” but I prefer to think of it just as a primordial force of nature, like gravity and such, but far more ancient.
Basically I believe that in the beginning, there was nothing, and that includes the rule that something can’t come from nothing. That didn’t exist either, so the void just kinda imploded on itself and now stuff exists.
With no rules or restrictions on what could happen yet, literally anything could happen. In a sense, that would make the void omnipotent, but also probably mindless. In my eyes, less like a god, more like the most powerful force of nature to ever exist. Or I guess not exist.
I used to experience it 24/7 a few years ago, before I was medicated for the countless mental disorders I have. Nowadays, I don’t think I’ve experienced it in at least a couple years.
I’ve just decided at this point that I don’t care if my life has any sort of meaning. I still do fun things and have passions, but I don’t do those to give my life meaning, I do it to just feel good for now.
And days, sometimes weeks and months where I wake up and think “I don’t want to do anything. I just want to sit and rot.” I just do that. Makes those days easier to get through. Doesn’t matter if my existence has no meaning for a while. Doesn’t matter if it never does again. I’m just ok with whatever happens.
And one day when I die, I’ll be ok with it. To me, no matter what I do it’ll all eventually fade away with time. Eventually, nobody will remember me. But the particles and energy that made me up will always exist, and the things I did will help determine their final resting place at the heat death of the universe. All I have to do to make a permanent mark on the world is simply exist.
But I dunno. I’ve been off my meds for a bit for various reasons, so maybe I’m just going crazy.
Most conservatives, however deeply red, are not intentionally hateful and are usually open to rational discussion. People just don’t know how to have rational discussions nowadays and the few times they do, they don’t know how to think like somebody else and put things in a way they can understand.
People nowadays think because a point convinced them, it should convince everybody else and anybody who’s not convinced by it is just being willfully ignorant. The truth is we all process things differently and some people need to hear totally different arguments to understand, often put in ways that wouldn’t convince you if you heard it.
It’s hard to understand other people and I feel like the majority of people have given up trying in favor of assuming everybody who disagrees with you knows their wrong and refuses to admit it.
When I was little I got stung 6 times between the legs by a velvet ant that managed to get stuck in my bathing suit. It’s not as bad as some exaggerated videos on the internet may have lead you to believe, but I did cry for about 30 seconds before I went back to what I was doing.
Not years ago, but a year ago I got covid and for reasons nobody can explain it made a nerve in my lower back malfunction and just start sending out the maximum pain signal it could. That’s probably the most painful thing I’ve experienced. Tied for it at least.
I have minor coordination issues and can’t type accurately on a keyboard as small as my phone. If I manually corrected every typo it’d take me 3 times as long to type anything. I miss the suggested words with my thumb half the time. I find it easier to just slam out a word looking vaguely similar to what I was trying to type and let my phone figure it out.
It’s been so long since I’ve seen that that I completely forgot how dated the editing was. I think as a kid I thought they used actual magic in that movie.
Unfortunately as I remember the one time I was given the med in liquid form, it tasted very similar to watered down bleach, which I’m not too sure sugar has the power to conceal. Not that I can’t handle it, just kinda hoped I wouldn’t have to handle it. It’s better than choking on the pills though.
I hate being all negative though, so I’ll just say that I’m really impressed by the sheer amount of options that exist for people who can’t swallow pills. When I developed my throat issues I didn’t even have to stop any meds, just got switched over to smaller or dissolvable options. I thought I was just fucked at that point, but it turns out it was a pretty easy transition.
Some of them I can, and do. Others aren’t crushable. With my doctors help I was able to get all the most important pills to be either crushable or dissolvable, and the rest are really small. Usually I’ve been able to get through them fine lately, but there have been nights I had to skip anything I had to swallow because I couldn’t get them down.
Actually, it does occur to me that I was offered one of my meds in liquid form and rejected it once because it tastes awful and the pills were already small. I should probably ask for that so I have a little less to swallow every night.
My wife and I, politically, tend to have very different viewpoints. She tends to lean conservative on a lot of things, whereas I tend to be either centrist or left leaning. It works, however, because we’re willing to calmly and rationally listen to each other’s viewpoints, and accept when the other tells us we think we’re off base or just straight up wrong.
Another important part, though, is where she doesn’t lean conservative. That being the area of human rights. She’s very accepting of trans people for instance, of which I am one. And when she has an unknowingly transphobic view, she’s always willing to listen and change her stance when it’s pointed out. If we had fudemental disagreements about treatment of LGBT people and other minorities from the beginning, I never would have dated her. That’s one line that I think shouldn’t be crossed and shows if a person is genuinely hateful or just misguided.
I don’t think she’s ever gonna fully migrate left, and I’m certainly not heading right (fell down that rabbit hole once, not gonna do it again,) but knowing she’ll listen and change if I point out a view of hers is unintentionally hateful has been a very important part of our relationship.
On the non-political side though, we tend to agree on pretty much everything. We have similar views on mental health. We have similar relationship goals. We have near identical hobbies. We even agree on the best condiment to eat nuggets with (barbecue sauce. And if you’re using ketchup you’re a monstrosity.)
Personally, I do think there’s some key things that disagreeing on will, inevitably, destroy a relationship, but I think people overestimate how much you have to agree on to have a healthy relationship.
Achievable desire? To finally be in a stable place in my life so I can be together with the people I love, and finally have friends again. Might be bisexual, and my wife is totally open to a polyamorous relationship for me to figure that out, so tbh finding that out and maybe gaining a long term boyfriend is also high on my list of desires.
Unachievable though? I want to miraculously recover from all my disabilities and health conditions so I can finally be normal. I want to stop relying on meds to keep me from turning into a batshit crazy nutcase every time I miss even a single dose. Or at least be able to take those meds every night without issue because of my damaged throat refusing to swallow nearly anything I put in my mouth except the most miniscule pills without choking and vomiting them back up. And I want to be able to operate my muscles like a normal person again, something which my meds have thoroughly fucked with, with nothing helping in the slightest. I straight up can’t even move my legs if my cat’s on top of them. He weighs barely 10 lbs. Plus I get sick constantly even when nobody around me is and nobody knows why. Last month alone I got sick about 6 times. I was only feeling relatively ok for about 3 days total.
The good news, I guess, is every single one of my more achievable goals are well in sight. Just a few months ago they’d all be buried deep in with the unachievable ones, so things are improving little by little.
Things have certainly vastly improved since about 3 years ago, when I couldn’t even will myself out of bed. So as whiney as I sound, I’m actually quite happy with where I am and where I’m going.
An MMO called Mabinogi, but only because it’s literally designed to suck as much time and money away from you as possible without you noticing. Steam says I’m nearing 5,000 hours, but more than half my playtime was from before it was on steam, so it’s probably closer to 12,000 to 13,000 hours. I haven’t even reached the end game yet.
At this point, I don’t really play it anymore. I think from now on I need to start avoiding games that are gonna absorb that much of my time for so little progress. Definitely wasn’t mentally healthy because I wasn’t even enjoying myself a good way in, I was just addicted.
Every time that comes up, I think to myself “Something I’ve gone through must be more painful, right? I’ve gone through some pretty hellish things, and you’re trying to tell me something MORE painful exists? Not just a little more, but dramatically more? For my own sanity, I’m gonna have to live in denial of that.”