Yeah, embedded is exactly where I’m trying to transfer to, but good luck getting embedded jobs in Los Angeles that aren’t military or otherwise require a background check.

And no employer out of the industry will take you seriously once you’ve worked.

Function.

But it’s not so much the fear of judgement, but the fear of the absurdly unjust punishment people will level on me for even the most innocuous action, because they just love abusing people.

They’re all narcissists. Every human being who has not been traumatized is a narcissist; only trauma can drive out narcissism. Trauma rubs people’s faces into their own mortality; only knowing their own mortality can humble them enough to get over themselves.

Everyone else would jump at the chance to judge me - and has so far. They see me as only a slave to serve their needs; any moment I am failing to do so makes me worthy of death in their eyes.

Practically? Nothing.

The only thing that would help me would require changing human nature so radically that they would not be recognizable anymore - starting with eliminating their tribal nature. They’d have to stop seeing the “other” as objects - and people are zealots when it comes to objectifying the “other”.

My life has already been taken away; there is nothing that could be given to me now to make up for everything I lost.

All people - which is exactly what there’s no “away”. That inherent narcissism is what makes people human, and the fact that repeated near-death experiences traumatized it out of me is exactly why people refuse to accept my humanity.

The fact that no matter how much I improve, no matter how much I “work on myself”, that people will always assert that I’m not “good enough” based on their own inherent narcissism. People will always be trying to bury a hatchet into my neck simply because something about me proves their very identity wrong.